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Darkness my story im starting :)

#1 User is offline   serjman 

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Posted 24 March 2011 - 01:05 AM

Darkness
By: serjman
B.L. /A.L.
(Before light/ After Light)
5667 B.L. 12:23 AM/BEFOR THE FOUNDING OF LITE-

“Come on John” a grizzled old man said standing above the ladder holding out his hand for the miner “grab my hand”, one by one the miners were helped up from the man’s incredible strength; the caverns were dark, cold, and full of old dark grassy green moss covered rocks; the only light that was ablaze was a small torch in the old man’s hand, “come on, come on, don’t got all day now!” the man said in a deep voice as he lifted up the last miner. “We need to get to the odd end of this here cavern, remember if you see some sort of bright light down one of these here cavern halls you’ll tell me about it ok?” the old man said pushing on a large rock, “now in order to do this all you pussy lickers better get a move on; it’s a day walk from here and trust me; we don’t have much light left for the way home; so remember keep your eyes open and you ears shut;” he said walking on down the cavern with grumble in his voice, the man then turned around with a face of sorrow and said softly “oh and if you hear someone that’s a’ telling you to follow em, I recommend you don’t follow” and the man went back to walking; keeping the torch he was holding closes to his face.
The torch he was holding was waving in the breeze on the cavern cold wet air, and as time passed from him walking deeper into the dark cavern the torch slowly was burning out letting the darkness creep over the area that the light now did not cover, the shapes in the blackness withered and twisted and curled over the hard wet rocks on the wall. The old man looked at the torch and sighed, he knew that he and the men would not make it out of here alive.
The cavern was getting narrower; and it was starting to stink of dead bugs in the air, all the men were huddled around the one torch and as the torch started to shrink smaller; one of the men, John stopped; the path ahead must hold what they are looking for john thought to himself, and what if it didn’t! What if all of this was for nothing! And what if we all died down here!? He jolted awake from his delusional thoughts to find only darkness, his group of men were gone they had left him just like his father did once, he thought back to when his mother would leave for her job at just when the darkness outside was the deep dark when all the noises accorded; and the darkness outside would laugh and tell him to come out and play, he was now alone in a dark place; the darkness had been given what it wanted, and all the men had taken the light with them, he was alone and scared, The cold air rang in his ears like frost bite, his skin retracted around his muscle, this was the end he screamed in his mind, and from the second his thoughts ended he heard a small echo in the cavern air, “hissssss” the words said in a cold voice and then it went away traveling down the long black tunnels of the cavern; then back to just darkness, at that time his body stopped, even his heart stopped, his mind wanted to run but his legs wouldn’t move, it felt like two large bricks were holding onto his feet; never to let go ever again, and just as john’s feet started to move the darkness bit into his soul, the fear inside him was closing in; was this a monster he thought? He had no trace of memory where he was, or what is he? Then he vanished; the cavern consumed him into just another pebble on the ground, and the only thing that was left in the room of the cavern was the cackling of the darkness as it shifted down the cavern to the other men.
The old man gripped his torch with all of his strength as he walked down the cavern with a limp in his step, would he get out of here? He had started to go crazy, his mind started to shack up illusions on the rocky walls as demons started dancing to the patter of the men’s footsteps, What if the torch goes out? He thought now sweating. And what if- He was interrupted by one of his men gripping his shoulder tightly, “Sir!” the man said with a squeak in his voice “Sir why are you on the ground? Are you alright?” the old man looked around; he had fell down not knowing it and had also had dropped the torch in the act, luckily it was still ablaze. The old man grabbed the torch and rose up from the rocky bed floor gripping the wall for support, his head spun in circles as he stood there, he lifted his left arm and touched the back of his head to see if there was any type of blood; he suddenly let out a yelp; a massive bump rested on his lower part of his head; he could feel the blood caught in his hair; all tangled and wet, it wasn’t good to bleed in a cave you’ve never been in before. “You slipped on that stone back there” one of the men said pointing to a somewhat looking slippery rock back down the cavern path “Are you ok sir?” “I’m fine, I’m fine” breathed the old man softly “it’s just that I don’t really remember falling down?” he said puzzled still feeling his wound on the back of his head “well sir to tell you the truth you really hit the ground hard” the man said grinding his teeth, “here let me carry the torch and you let old frank over there help you back out the cavern” “NO!” the old man yelled staring Frank in the eyes, “I came this far now; and no one is going to stop me from getting that Lite!” “I think all you dumb asses don’t understand!” the old man shouted spinning to the other men “without this lite our whole world will be gone forever! Don’t you understand by now? Without the lite stone the darkness will consume our world as we know it! And in the mean time all were doing is standing in this dumb cave talking about stuff that can wait until after we get out! The old man got in one of the other men’s face and squinted his eyes in anger “And if we can’t find a lite in this cave today we will all surly die!” all the men starred with short breath not knowing what to say, “oh and by the way if that torch goes out we’re all screwed, don’t know what I’m talking about? Then take a look into the darkness” all the men looked into the dark depth of the cave; there were movements in the shadows of monsters but it was almost like they couldn’t get into the light of the torch. “If they get a hold of us, then we will all die!” the old man said grabbing the torch firmly “so let’s get a move on and hope we find a lite source!”
All the men were scared and slowly dying inside of fright, but they knew that they were closes to the lite stone, so closes they could see it, “SIR!” one of the men said pointing down one of the long twisty cavern “Light!!” the old man twisted around and saw the most beautiful thing in the world he had ever seen. Down the cavern hall held a large ice endeavored stone that had a base of gold and a texture of smooth glass look, and it smelled of pine sap! Nothing could make this day better! It was emitting a light that could fill the world with happiness; and slew the darkness away forever! But suddenly at once all the men ran out of the torch light and started sprinting through the darkness to the stone, “NOOOO!!!” the old man shouted in pain trying to run to catch up to them holding the torch out as far as he could, “STOP ALL OF YOU!!” but it was too late the darkness started consuming each and every man until there was nothing left; blood covered the cave wall like fresh paint on a new house and that was that; now he was alone! Deep into this cavern with darkness and bugs the size of footballs, everywhere, and what was he to do? He thought frankly he could just carry the stone out of the cave by himself but what if something attacked him? He had no won! His leg hurt and he maybe even had minor concussing. He was dead, he had no options left no way to get out, and to hell he was going to let the darkness eat him. So he sat down next the lite leaned his back ageist the stone and started to cry tears ran down his eyes like a waterfall. His life was over all this for nothing; but just as he had laid his head down with a rock in his right hand above his head something happened, his back started to feel warm and the muscles in his shoulders started to feel as if he was laying on warm rocks on a hot afternoon evening, he rose up and looked at the stone, it was twisting

More to come soon :)
Tell me if you liked it??????? thetruth

#2 User is offline   Ryuuki 

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Posted 02 May 2011 - 03:18 PM

Dude, Wall of Text is epic.

No really, please paragraph them with spaces. Put less words into each paragraph. I got a headache reading this(Probably because I'm on my computer for 6 hours now) but please, edit it.
Posted Image
Thanks to Aegid for this!

#3 User is offline   Joker 

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Posted 06 May 2011 - 09:23 PM

View Postserjman, on 24 March 2011 - 02:05 AM, said:

Darkness
By: serjman
B.L. /A.L.
(Before light/ After Light)
5667 B.L. 12:23 AM/BEFOR THE FOUNDING OF LITE-

“Come on John” a grizzled old man said standing above the ladder holding out his hand for the miner “grab my hand”, one by one the miners were helped up from the man’s incredible strength; the caverns were dark, cold, and full of old dark grassy green moss covered rocks; the only light that was ablaze was a small torch in the old man’s hand.

“Come on, come on, don’t got all day now!” the man said in a deep voice as he lifted up the last miner. “We need to get to the odd end of this here cavern, remember if you see some sort of bright light down one of these here cavern halls you’ll tell me about it ok?” the old man said pushing on a large rock.

“Now in order to do this all you pussy lickers (I'd consider getting rid of this) better get a move on; it’s a day walk from here and trust me; we don’t have much light left for the way home; so remember keep your eyes open and you ears shut;” he said walking on down the cavern with grumble in his voice.

The man then turned around with a face of sorrow and said softly “oh and if you hear someone that’s a’ telling you to follow em, I recommend you don’t follow” and the man went back to walking; keeping the torch he was holding closes to his face.

The torch he was holding was waving in the breeze on the cavern cold wet air, and as time passed from him walking deeper into the dark cavern the torch slowly was burning out letting the darkness creep over the area that the light now did not cover, the shapes in the blackness withered and twisted and curled over the hard wet rocks on the wall. The old man looked at the torch and sighed, he knew that he and the men would not make it out of here alive.

The cavern was getting narrower; and it was starting to stink of dead bugs in the air, all the men were huddled around the one torch and as the torch started to shrink smaller; one of the men, John stopped; the path ahead must hold what they are looking for John thought to himself, and what if it didn’t?

What if all of this was for nothing! And what if we all died down here!? He jolted awake from his delusional thoughts to find only darkness, his group of men were gone they had left him just like his father did once, he thought back to when his mother would leave for her job at just when the darkness outside was the deep dark when all the noises accorded; and the darkness outside would laugh and tell him to come out and play, he was now alone in a dark place; the darkness had been given what it wanted, and all the men had taken the light with them, he was alone and scared.

The cold air rang in his ears like frost bite, his skin retracted around his muscle, this was the end he screamed in his mind, and from the second his thoughts ended he heard a small echo in the cavern air, “hissssss” the words said in a cold voice and then it went away traveling down the long black tunnels of the cavern; then back to just darkness, at that time his body stopped, even his heart stopped, his mind wanted to run but his legs wouldn’t move, it felt like two large bricks were holding onto his feet; never to let go ever again, and just as john’s feet started to move the darkness bit into his soul, the fear inside him was closing in; was this a monster he thought?

He had no trace of memory where he was, or what is he? Then he vanished; the cavern consumed him into just another pebble on the ground, and the only thing that was left in the room of the cavern was the cackling of the darkness as it shifted down the cavern to the other men.
The old man gripped his torch with all of his strength as he walked down the cavern with a limp in his step, would he get out of here? He had started to go crazy, his mind started to shack up illusions on the rocky walls as demons started dancing to the patter of the men’s footsteps.

"What if the torch goes out?" He thought now sweating. "And what if-" he was interrupted by one of his men gripping his shoulder tightly.

“Sir!” the man said with a squeak in his voice. “Sir why are you on the ground? Are you alright?”

The old man looked around; he had fell down not knowing it and had also had dropped the torch in the act but luckily it was still ablaze. The old man grabbed the torch and rose up from the rocky bed floor gripping the wall for support, his head spun in circles as he stood there, he lifted his left arm and touched the back of his head to see if there was any type of blood; he suddenly let out a yelp; a massive bump rested on his lower part of his head; he could feel the blood caught in his hair; all tangled and wet, it wasn’t good to bleed in a cave you’ve never been in before.

“You slipped on that stone back there!” one of the men said pointing to a somewhat looking slippery rock back down the cavern path. “Are you ok sir?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine” breathed the old man softly “it’s just that I don’t really remember falling down?” he said puzzled still feeling his wound on the back of his head.

“Well sir to tell you the truth you really hit the ground hard” the man said grinding his teeth, “here let me carry the torch and you let old Frank over there help you back out the cavern”

“NO!” the old man yelled staring Frank in the eyes, “I came this far now; and no one is going to stop me from getting that Lite!” “I think all you dumb asses don’t understand!” the old man shouted spinning to the other men “without this lite our whole world will be gone forever! Don’t you understand by now? Without the lite stone the darkness will consume our world as we know it!

"And in the mean time all were doing is standing in this dumb cave talking about stuff that can wait until after we get out!" The old man got in one of the other men’s face and squinted his eyes in anger “And if we can’t find a lite in this cave today we will all surly die!” all the men starred with short breath not knowing what to say.

“Oh and by the way if that torch goes out we’re all screwed, don’t know what I’m talking about? Then take a look into the darkness” all the men looked into the dark depth of the cave; there were movements in the shadows of monsters but it was almost like they couldn’t get into the light of the torch. “If they get a hold of us, then we will all die!” the old man said grabbing the torch firmly “so let’s get a move on and hope we find a lite source!”

All the men were scared and slowly dying inside of fright, but they knew that they were close to the lite stone, so close they could see it.

“SIR!” one of the men said pointing down one of the long twisty cavern.

“Light!!” the old man twisted around and saw the most beautiful thing in the world he had ever seen.

Down the cavern hall held a large ice endeavored stone that had a base of gold and a texture of smooth glass look, and it smelled of pine sap! Nothing could make this day better! It was emitting a light that could fill the world with happiness; and slew the darkness away forever! But suddenly at once all the men ran out of the torch light and started sprinting through the darkness to the stone!

“NOOOO!!!” the old man shouted in pain trying to run to catch up to them holding the torch out as far as he could.

“STOP ALL OF YOU!!”

It was too late. The darkness started consuming each and every man until there was nothing left; blood covered the cave wall like fresh paint on a new house and that was that; now he was alone! Deep into this cavern with darkness and bugs the size of footballs, everywhere, and what was he to do?

He thought frankly he could just carry the stone out of the cave by himself but what if something attacked him? He had not won! His leg hurt and he maybe even had minor concussing. He was dead, he had no options left no way to get out, and to hell he was going to let the darkness eat him. So he sat down next the lite leaned his back ageist the stone and started to cry tears ran down his eyes like a waterfall. His life was over all this for nothing; but just as he had laid his head down with a rock in his right hand above his head something happened, his back started to feel warm and the muscles in his shoulders started to feel as if he was laying on warm rocks on a hot afternoon evening, he rose up and looked at the stone and gasped as he saw that it was twisting.

More to come soon :)
Tell me if you liked it??????? thetruth


I'm not going to lie, this needs a lot of work.

As you can see, I've paragraphed it here and there and it already looks a lot better. The moment the readers see a wall of text that large, they've already lost some of their motivation to read it.

Next, the grammar needs work too. You use a lot of semi-colons where you can just use a comma or a full stop.

I was always educated to start a new line whenever a new person speaks in the story. In your case, you had two or three different people speaking on the same line and it got confusing as to who was speaking. A new speaker equals a new line.

Please don't think I'm being incredibly harsh towards you, I just think that if you fix these issues I've mentioned, your story will be much more appealing ;)

This post has been edited by Joker: 06 May 2011 - 09:25 PM


#4 User is offline   Mukyuu007 

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Posted 21 September 2011 - 04:50 PM

You used semi-colons wrongly in some areas.
My Youtube Channel Touhou Minecraft: Palanquin Ship officially completed! Shall i do the Netherworld next? Or the Scarlet Devil Mansion?

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